Goodbye My Lover
by Kiira13
Summary: Becoming king means that Alistair will be forced to give up the only woman he has ever loved. A songfic based on the lyrics of the song 'Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt. Part of my 'Sing Me A Love Song' collection. Critique and comments please!


**Goodbye My Lover**

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?_

_Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_

'_Cause I saw the end before we'd begun_

_Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won_

If I had retained one thing from the years of templar training it would be my sense of duty. The Grey Wardens had only enhanced this. Even if my heart was shattering into a thousand pieces and tears were streaming down my cheeks, I would not turn my back on my duty. I refused to look back at her, to let the pain and guilt snap the last thin strand of my will.

If I was being honest to her she would have known what the consequences would be from the very beginning, and maybe her choices would have been different. But I was too selfish, too afraid. I was afraid to waste even a second of my time with her, while it lasted – while I was still allowed to love her with my entire heart.

She could not see that which was blindingly obvious to me, she was blissfully unaware. But I knew the future that lay ahead for me, and I knew that she could not be a part of it.

_So I took what's mine by eternal right_

_I took your soul out into the night_

_It may be over but it won't stop there_

_I am here for you if you'd only care_

She handed me my birthright, that which had been denied to me from the day that I was born. She made it all possible, just her – this amazing woman who had shaken the very foundations of Ferelden and placed kings on thrones, from Denerim to Ostagar and back. She rose from nothing to build a new world, especially for me. And I was going to have to break her.

I took her out to the courtyard, underneath the dark night sky and the pounding rain. I took her head in my hands and kissed her passionately, trying to pour all of my love for her into that one kiss. I shouldn't be doing this, but I just couldn't resist. I had to love her as much as possible with the time I had left. She broke the kiss and leaned back so she could look up into my eyes. And her face was full of questions.

"Liana, Now that I am king they will need me to produce an heir."

Her eyes were still questioning, she didn't understand.

"It means that I will need to marry a woman of noble blood, so that the Therin bloodline can continue."

She froze under my hands, she hardly seemed to be breathing. Now she understood.

"It means we have to stop seeing each other. It means we can't be together."

Her eyes glazed over. And as the rain washed over her body her hands slipped away from my shoulders, and she lowered her head.

I took her chin in my hand and lifted her face upwards, there were tears streaming down her cheeks, joining the drops of rain that slid down her delicate face. My heart was aching in my chest; her sadness seemed to become a part of me too, as if we were one being.

"I will always love you, but duty has to come first."

She took a deep shuddering breath that turned into a sob, and buried her face into my chest. I held my arms around her; I wanted the moment to last forever. But I had to push her away from me, to end it before it was too late for me to resist.

"I am sorry. My love."

I turned and walked away from her, but I wanted her to call me back. If I just heard her voice the last shreds of resolve would have crumbled. But she was silent, and I had to walk away from the only woman I had ever loved.

_You touched my heart, you touched my soul_

_You changed my life and all my goals_

_And love is blind and that I knew when_

_My heart was blinded by you_

The fates always had a sense of humour when it came to the royal family. And I'm sure they had a great old laugh when it came to my life. The son of a serving girl and the King of Ferelden - the unwanted, unloved royal bastard. Oh ha, ha, ha. I was a pest and a nuisance, only Arl Eamon seemed to have a genuine interest in my well-being. But even his interest was short-lived, when Isolde came into the castle as his wife there was no room for a rumor-causing bastard child. So I was shipped off to the Chantry.

Everything that had been good about my life was stripped away, one by one. Arl Eamon, my fellow Grey Wardens, Duncan, my hope of having a sister... Until only one good thing remained; my friend, my companion, my love. My Liana.

She was a pillar of light and strength in my otherwise dark and depressing existence. If my life was to be expressed in writing, as maybe it will be someday, there would have to be two books. My life before I met her, and my life after. Because there was no denying that she had changed my life beyond all recognition. I turned from a bumbling, shy, insecure, bastard prince who had no idea what would become of his life, to a strong, confident, brave, king who is passionately in love.

And I know that the old me is now lost forever. There will be no reclaiming that old self who admittedly had no one who loved him, but who also didn't have an irreparably broken heart. For when I took that first step away from the woman I loved, I knew that nothing and no one would ever be able to mend me.

_I've kissed your lips and held your head_

_Shared your dreams and shared your bed_

_I know you well, I know your smell_

_I've been addicted to you_

I awoke with a start, sweat pouring down my face, and I heard the muffled scream from across the campfire as Liana jerked up from her bedroll.

"Did you see that? It's like the archdemon saw us, saw us!"

She slowly nodded her head, shivering all over. I opened my mouth to respond, but then a piercing, unearthly scream came from behind me. I jumped to my feet, pulling my sword up from beside my mat. As I swung it around, I realised that I was too slow – the Shriek was already lunging for my throat. There was a whistling sound, and a dagger suddenly appeared in the monster's throat.

I spun on my heel and saw Liana on her feet, missing one of her knives. I was shocked in that moment at how her ice-blue eyes somehow appeared to burn.

Burning ice.

Impossible.

Unstoppable.

Beautiful.

I was jerked from my trance by another shriek from behind me, and I whirled back into the battle, cutting down the creatures like a crazed madman.

When they were all dead I saw Liana drop to her knees, exhausted. I ran to her side and knelt down beside her. "How can we keep doing this, Alistair?"

Her icy eyes, their fire extinguished, looked up at me, "What is the point anymore?"

I wrapped my arms around her waist and let her golden head fall onto my chest. I heard the quiet murmurs of Leliana and Wynne as they shepherded the remainder of our companions away from our entwined figures. I felt strange, more thoughtful and at peace than I had ever felt since... well... I don't even know how long. The words seemed to bubble to my lips without any conscious thought on my part. "We must fight because we can, and we can fight because we must."

I was very aware of every place she touched me. I pulled her slightly away from me so I could meet her gaze. "And I'd fight to the very ends of the earth if it meant I could spend one more minute with you."

Her eyes started to burn once again, but it was a different sort of burn, like a lava flow. My body detached itself from my brain and I was kissing her, holding her closer to me than I ever had before. We broke apart for air and I hugged her to my chest. Her lips pressed up against my ear and I heard her sigh one word, _"Alistair..."_

Suddenly, I didn't care that we were surrounded by people.

I didn't care what they thought as I lifted her into my arms and sprinted away to her tent.

I didn't care that we might not live to see week's end.

I didn't care that I had never done this before.

All that mattered was that I was alive, she was alive, and we were together.

_It is a curious thing, _I thought to myself as I breathed in the sweet, sugary scent that clung to her skin, _Duncan took me away from the Chantry before I took my vows – but if I had become addicted to lyrium..._

I looked down at the beautiful woman I held in my arms.

_I image this is what it would feel like._

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

She seemed to fit with me like a matching puzzle piece. My jokes made her laugh and her laugh made me smile. Her small hand fit into mine like it was made to rest there. My fingers would trace along the contours of her pointed ears without any conscious thought and she would sigh with satisfaction whenever I did.

But it was more than that. She understood me on a level that was above anything I had ever experienced before. We were always on the same page, sometimes I didn't have to say a single word and she would know exactly what I was feeling.

Just moments after we first met she immediately understood my fear of leadership. Maybe it was an expression on my face or something about my actions, but she realised what they meant almost instantaneously - I was afraid.

Most people would leave it at that, but she saw further than most. She saw within me some small grain of potential, some tiny speck of greatness that most, including myself, would have overlooked. She knew that I could be king, and she made me realise it.

But for all of that insight, she could not see where it would end.

_I am a dreamer but when I wake_

_You can't break my spirit – it's my dreams you take_

_And as you move on, remember me_

_Remember us and all we used to be_

Liana was smiling.

She looked as radiant as a drop of sunshine, wrapped in a dress of silk and red velvet with a silver circlet resting on her head. Her blonde hair had grown, flowing loose over her shoulders like a river of gold. I looked down and saw her hand entwined with mine, and a golden band was wrapped around her ring finger.

_We're married?_ I thought, then I frowned, _Well of course we're married. What a stupid question..._

My wife turned and looked at me, "Your people await your speech, my king."

I blinked in surprise, then turned my head and looked out in front of me. A sea of people crowded the courtyard in front of us, well-fed, happy people with smiles on their faces. The sun was burning bright in the sky above their heads and birds were singing their melodies from nests in fruit-laden apple trees.

Ferelden, my kingdom.

I felt a jolt of panic. _Me, king? No, no, no, no, no. I can't be king, I can't be leader of anything, especially not a whole kingdom! _But once again I frowned. _Well of course I'm king, what is wrong with me today?_

I turned back to my queen and smiled. She was so beautiful. I swooped down and kissed her, she wrapped her arms around my neck. I heard the crowd laugh and cheer all around us. I broke away from the kiss to look into her eyes... and froze.

There was something wrong. Her eyes weren't the ice-blue crystals I remembered them being, they were a murky brown colour. I snatched my hand out of her grip and snarled, "Who are you?"

The not-Liana recoiled and said, "What are you talking about, love? It's me, Liana."

"You are not Liana! Now tell me who you are!"

Its ugly eyes narrowed and a heavy fog drifted over my mind and I felt myself thinking, _Stop being silly Alistair. Of course it's Liana..._

Then I shook my head and screamed, "Enough of your games! Release me, demon!"

It hissed loudly and everything around me melted away. I was standing on a foggy plain, alone. The not-Liana and all of the people had disappeared. Then a deep sluggish voice reverberated through my head.

"_That's interesting; I thought you'd be happy with that one. That is the future that you want the most, you must not know it yourself... Ah well, no matter. Let me try again."_ And I was whirling away.

Something was itching the back of my mind. Something about Liana, and me being king and a future I wasn't sure I wanted...

Ooh! Goldanna's making apple pie!

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile_

_I've watched you sleeping for a while_

_I'd be the father of your child_

_I'd spend a lifetime with you_

I almost collapsed as the jailors tossed Liana back into our cell. My hands scrabbled against the slimy stone walls as I struggled to keep myself on my feet.

Her body was beaten black and blue and stipes of blood covered her back where a whip had cut into her skin. Words had been carved into the skin up and down her arms. The words 'filthy knife-ear' were the biggest, surrounded by expletives, some of which were still oozing blood.

I fell to my knees beside her and gingerly lifted her into my arms, she was unconscious. "We'll come get 'er tomorrow, once she wakes up." Sniggered one of the jailors, "We still 'aven't got 'er to scream yet, and knife-ears scream the best."

He and his companion swaggered off, laughing loudly as I cradled her battered body close to mine. Tears formed in my eyes as I looked over her injuries, I couldn't do anything with no supplies, and the helplessness I felt was enough to make me scream out loud. The tortured cry echoed off the cold walls and bounced back to me. Liana's eyes squeezed tighter shut, and then opened. She winced and shuddered as the pain hit her, and her eyes flooded with tears that began to flow down her cheeks. I clenched my teeth into a snarl and let anger course through my body.

"Alistair..." she whispered hoarsely, "They'll come... they'll come to save us. Zevran and Morrigan and Leliana and..."

And she fell unconscious again, but a smile had formed on her lips.

I watched her breathe, the gentle movement of her chest rising and falling. It focused me, and I was thinking with a clarity that I hardly ever felt. I imagined what my future with her would be like. We would live in a small house somewhere peaceful, away from cities and people and noise. We would have children, half-elven, half-human. I wondered about what they would look like. I could imagine myself as a father, it was surprisingly easy while I held her in my arms.

Everything was easy while she was with me. We would be together even when the Calling stirred in our blood and we went to our deaths. Hand in hand.

_I know your fears and you know mine_

_We've had our doubts but know we're fine_

_And I love you, I swear that's true_

_I cannot live without you_

"So let me get this straight. You're scared of spiders?"

Liana poked the bloated abdomen of a giant spider that was lying flat on the ground with its spiny legs curled up into fists. Even though it was dead I could not stand the sight of the thing.

"It's not that I'm scared of them exactly... I just don't like the way they move." I couldn't help but shudder as I imagined its huge limbs skittering across the ground.

Liana took in my expression and burst out laughing. Leliana joined in, adding her chirpy giggles to her friend's hysterics.

"Hey, come on! Let's not forget that they're full of poison and that these big ones could eat us alive! With their big... fangs..." I shuddered again.

The girl's laughter grew even louder, so I angrily sheathed my sword and stomped away. I heard a shout from behind me, "Alistair, watch out!"

I spun around just as a huge, poisonous green spider reared onto its hind legs and snapped its pincers together just inches from my face. I screamed like I had never screamed before and fell to the ground, raising my hands to protect myself. Then there was a loud sucking sound, and Morrigan appeared where the spider had been rearing just seconds before.

"If the fool had been any more afraid he would have been reduced to an incoherent mess." She had an evil smile on her face that made me want to hit something as hard as I could.

"That doesn't count! Real spiders don't do stuff like that!" I dusted myself off and tried to reclaim some dignity.

Liana was rolling around on the floor, crowing with laughter and gasping for air. Part of me wanted to mention how scared she was of the nobility of Denerim. Then I slapped myself internally for thinking it. How she could even stand being in the proximity of humans after what happened to her and her friends was a mystery to me, and I realised that this was probably the first time I had ever seen her laugh so much.

"Alistair," she gasped in between fits of giggles, "that scream was..." her next words were rendered incoherent by her laughter and I felt myself blush.

I may love her, but I seriously considered running away just so I wouldn't have to hear her recite the tale to everyone in the camp.

The elf was going to be unbearable.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

When we met I was honestly frightened by her, the lithe elven woman who seemed utterly capable of killing me where I stood. She moved with all the substance of a wisp of smoke, utterly graceful yet utterly deadly. Her knives were never far from her grasp, and she walked with a bearing that almost dared someone to try and mess with her.

At first she was suspicious and violent towards me, and only after I learned about the death of her fiancée and the ruin of her home by the hands of a human – a shemlen, she called him – did I understand. Her whole life had been ripped away from her in one day, and even as she told me that this was what she had wanted all along I saw through her careful shield to the loneliness within.

There and then I promised with all my heart that I would never, ever hurt her, that I would fight for her until my dying breath.

_Good job keeping that promise, Alistair._

_And I still hold your hand in mine_

_In mine when I'm asleep_

_And I will bear your soul in time_

_When I'm kneeling at your feet_

"...this woman is the one who made all of this possible. She is the one who killed the archdemon, and she remains with us still!"

The gathered crowd cheered and I saw Liana smile.

"As king of Ferelden, and as her friend, I honour her." Then I knelt down in front of her, bowing my head.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "You do me too much honour, _your majesty_. Please, rise."

I wasn't sure if I had imagined the sarcastic emphasis, but nevertheless I whispered softly, "I wish it hadn't ended this way, I still visit you in my dreams. I will always love you Liana."

Her eyes softened for a moment, then iced over as she said, "But it doesn't make any difference, does it _your highness_?"

There was definitely an emphasis this time. I reached out to touch her arm, but she shrugged my hand away. "Haven't you hurt me enough, shemlen?"

I flinched away, as if the words had been a physical blow. She had only ever called the son of the Arl of Denerim that word, and she loathed him still – even after she had killed him. I had never wanted to hurt her, never. But I had, there was no denying it.

I straightened my shoulders and continued with my speech, trying to ignore the glistening tear tracks that appeared on her cheeks.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

I remember when Liana took my rose to Wynne so that she could preserve it with a spell. I felt so happy that she had liked it that I was prepared to forgive her for making me blush as red as a tomato when I had tried to tell her how I felt. That was the sort of thing that she did best. Make fun of me mercilessly, then hug me so tightly that I couldn't help but smile like a love-struck fool.

_I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow_

_I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow_

As I walked away through the pouring rain I felt like an ogre had punched a hole through the middle of my body. My heart was aching, and I began to shiver uncontrollably. It was as if I had reached right into my chest and ripped out some vital component of my body, now I was slowly bleeding to death.

I had ripped her out of my life, and this pain was all my fault. I imagined the hurt that she must be feeling and my agony doubled. _My fault._

Now I was going to be king, and a fat lot of good it would do me. How could I rule a kingdom without her by my side? _My fault._

I had lost the only woman who I had ever loved, and it was all my fault.

_My fault._


End file.
